“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
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ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Only short people can save us
somebody come look at this
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.