[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
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Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Has there ever been a more American story?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Why is no one talking about this?!
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy