One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
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When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.