We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
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It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
*frowns in Scottish*
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China