*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
You Might Also Like
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
got so much cardio in today
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me driving through Toronto
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him