Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
You Might Also Like
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀