He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
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My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Trumpy Cat
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.