Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
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“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”