Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.