Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
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I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”