@ClamDive: Blood is thicker than water, so I'm going to have to use Comet on this bathtub
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@fart: when a date asks you what your dreams are you gotta say you want a family or a great career or something. dont bring up the one where you catch a meteorite with a baseball glove and its the shrunken head of your old gym teacher who tells you the exact date and time you will die
@KimJungilSpirit: 4yo doctor visit: Doc: no more than 30 mins for 4yo on the iPad. I'd rather he play with mud. Me: .. Wife:.. Me: where do u download mud?
@lisaxy424: my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo* when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
@jctwritesstuff: The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don't take him out.