Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
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Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?