@ClamDive: Blood is thicker than water, so I'm going to have to use Comet on this bathtub
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@AngelaEhh: Bartender: What can I get you? Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll? Bartender: Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me? Bartender: Me: Beer.
@kfoagkfoag: *me, struggling to please the members of our tea club* "Please, everyone! Why can't we all just get oolong?!
@rachelle_mandik: do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they're viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
@Sarcasticsapien: Me: How are you? Coworker: I can't complain. Me: *sticks finger in his coffee* Coworker: I just paid for that! Me: I knew you were lying.