“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Natural selection at its finest
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.