@ClamDive: Blood is thicker than water, so I'm going to have to use Comet on this bathtub
@jimmy_sharpe: I'm not lazy. I'm just stopping the sofa from floating away.
@KKBowls: [at my house after 1st date]
me: so, do you wanna have some sex?
her: well, I don't normally do this...but I think I'll pass
@Mindless4Miles: "This is literally the worst beer I've ever tasted."
*finishes six pack*
@adamochoa: RIP 2012 (2012-2012)
@NoogsCorner: Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.