@SuperJuanderer: Blood is thicker than water. Then again, so is oatmeal, and I would much rather be oatmeal brothers.
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@Sal0630: Girlfriend: Did you fix the dishwasher? Me: Yup *girlfriend opens dishwasher revealing a monkey covered in bubbles, holding a scrub brush*
@myles_morrison: Whenever your girlfriend tells you she's on her period remember not to say things like "that explains it."
@LoveNLunchmeat: Around my neighborhood I'm affectionately known as "Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo."
@Shock_Monster: Driving back from funeral yesterday: Stairway To Heaven *click* Tears In Heaven *click* Highway To Hell *click* Macarena! *leaves it*