I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
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I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.