blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.