If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
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Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Realize this:
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”