Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
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Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.