Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries