Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
You had me at “define legal”.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?