Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.