I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
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ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?