me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
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Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Had an epiphany today.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.