[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
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*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.