I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
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Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update