*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
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me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
There are 2 screaming kids & a guy talking full voice on his cell in this bank. I’ll wave at you on the news tonight as they lead me away.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.