*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease