*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
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Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
pelicons
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist