Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
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Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
The two types of wives
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
What about second breakfast?
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.