@donni: Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I'm eating right now
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@thatUPSdude: I heard someone say their podcast was on "hiatus", guess that sounds better than "my mom took away my laptop".
@NYC_Blonde: Boys are cute how they're all "I like girls that don't wear heavy makeup" and "get down from that tree near my window or I'll call the cops"
@ilovepie84: I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said "I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle"
@sploosk: INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?