A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
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I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have