Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
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[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
*bites zombie*
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.