[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
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just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”