[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
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Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.