[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
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How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”