I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
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Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time