BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
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wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.