Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
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Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
We like the way Dwight thinks
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back