The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
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imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
just gave your address to some spiders
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.