Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
My dog is really picky on where she poops. For instance, she will only choose a lawn where the homeowner is outside to make eye contact with me.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”