Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
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Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
How to make infinite energy.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?