“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
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I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’m a self-made hundredaire
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Just as the prophecy foretold
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️