“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*