Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Fights fire with marshmallows