Body by Oreos
You Might Also Like
My life coach traded me.
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now