Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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million dollar idea: worm dehorser
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg