Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.