interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
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Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Punctuation Matters. Period.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.