Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
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*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
car not found
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.