This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
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I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle