Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick