Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.