Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
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If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
My biological clock is wheezing.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!