Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
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If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
When can I start eating bats again.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”