@Token_Geezer: Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out

@mkat816: Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

@RexHuppke: "Let's take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant." - inventor of the birthday party

@HanaMichels: I've yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby's restroom.

@bfrosty04: Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor's swing-set.