Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
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If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions